Signs It Isn’t Love

We’re bad at being able to tell

Kris Gage


Stathis Tsavalias (“Insane51”)

“Love” is hard. Not complex —but hard. Especially when it comes to knowing if you really have it.

I talk a lot about signs it is love, but here’s a list of common signs — especially feelings — we attribute to “love” that actually aren’t.

TL;DR — it’s most of them.

You’re Flying High

Love is not about highs and “peaks.”

Everyone experiences the elation of emotional peaks with their partners, especially early on, and a lot of people misidentify these feelings as “love.”

Love is not in “upside.”

Love is reality. It has peaks, sure — it shouldn’t be ugly — but love is really in the valleys. That’s where you know for sure.

What happens when things go south, or shit hits the fan? Because love is neither fight nor flight; love doubles-down, joins forces, makes it work. If your reaction is to throw punches or throw in the towel the minutes you’re no longer flying high, it’s not love. And you won’t know until you hit that.


Look, feelings are wonderful — they are incredible parts of the human experience, so feel All Of The Feelings for your partner, because those are some of the best!

Just also understand that love is not simply “feelings.” The problem is:

  1. It makes for immature, volatile relationships, and
  2. It leaves us susceptible to one day “not feeling it” and folding.

Love is a choice, an active decision, and a series of investments and efforts and actions.

“Infatuation,” “preoccupation,” “obsession” or “can’t live without”

See above.


If you like someone simply because they keep you company, it’s not love. Partners are not here to keep us entertained, or distracted, or protect us from feeling lonely — or staring down the barrel of old age.

You don’t share (or they’re not here for) your lows



Kris Gage

Writer — reach me at krisgagemedium (at) gmail (dot) com