Wow — you’re right. That’s a very, very good point — I never directly answered that. Thank you for responding to ask.

This was mostly with 2 types of people in mind: a.) those who are preoccupied with the idea of power in a relationship (either having it or not having it), and b.) the partners they mistreat or manipulate as a result.

To a large extent, “power” to these types means: having the upper hand; making decisions; having final say; never being made to feel “shamed” by the other; “wearing the pants,” respect, etc. For them, I was saying “the minute you do this, you’ve already surrendered your position. It’s just that you — and sometimes the other person — don’t know.”

Then, sometimes one person is obsessed with having power and the other person is scrambling to reassure them of it. (Or, to love pursuers, it can also mean: trying to keep them happy so they don’t leave and emotionally fuck them over.) To them, the message was: their power is fake. It’s just that you — and they — don’t know.

The reality is that in these scenarios, neither person has it. The person grabbing for it is actually incredibly vulnerable and weak.

My own idea of “power” isn’t directly reflected in this piece, tbh, because it’s not a major question that I ask of my relationships. I simply expect agency and freedom of movement — I want domain over myself. I don’t need to have agency over someone else. And they don’t have agency over me.

Though, if anything, having experienced the last point is probably the reason I wrote this.

Does that help?